Not for Dyslexics Only

2007-06-29

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

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Sex In The City?

2007-06-28

There are alot of, ok most nights I don't sleep through the night. I'm not a strong sleeper, I average four to five hours a night.

I've been this way my whole life so I take advantage of the wee hours of the morning to get things done. As always, the tv is running in the background for noise and Simon is plopped by my side.

I try to find interesting shows if I'm not watching Nick at Night reruns for the 112th time. Tonight "Blind Date" was on. It's interesting to me from a human nature standpoint and watching what some people will do for "love."

Ali has Daddy issues for sure, she was a self proclaimed Flower Child, though she missed the era by about 30 years. She meets her date standing in Union City Park. Nothing wrong with that, public place, safety in numbers, camera crew. Ah there he is behind the sign. What? Not even a tin cup?

Seriously a homeless guy, big cardboard sign stating He can cure any ailment without touching you. Our little miss "lets tweak daddy's nose on public tv" got more than her chakras realigned. She mentions she has a "headache" good to get that excuse out of the way, but by waving his hands around her head, and stating the obvious " You have tension in your neck as well" was enough to win her over. They spent the day together, and he actually got to see the inside of civilization again at a movie and some dinner, but not after they decided to create a ruckus by dancing on the sidewalks to break some NYC law. Whew..freedom fighters I tell ya. After a cab ride it was very apparent where the date was heading.

As the host said after watching them swap spit: "It's not hard to get her back to your place when your homeless."

At any rate they did walk hand in hand into the sunset, I suspect to Central Park. All I can say from an advice standpoint,

"If your bush starts twitchin' don't bother bitchen."

I sure hope there was a free clinic around there, he didn't strike me as the type to carry protection around, unless you count his cardboard sign. Call me crazy, but I bet the reverse side of his sign was something like LEPERS BEWARE.

Well, things must not have worked out for Little Miss Flower Child Ali, her beau was last spotted in Coney Island with a new sign and new line. I'm kinda glad I can't read the rest of it, but it does look like he is availing himself now of the public baths just in case he has the opportunity to get laid again. All I can say is, I'm glad I'm a secure single woman. I hope I'm never desperate enough that my dating pool doesn't even come with a yard.

 

 

 

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Red Umbrose and Filthy Wh*res

2007-06-25

A month or so back during my nephew's graduation party, some of the talk got around to reminiscing when he was just a baby, and how fast he has grown. Typical conversation when you realize just how short life is and how fast life can pass you by. Personally there are days when I still feel like I'm Seventeen Again..thank you Annie Lenox.

But then the conversation rolled around to another one of my infamous gift giving blunders.

My niece and nephew never ask for much, but whenever a birthday, or holiday came around, they would give out the same list to everyone. Which was kind of annoying as I like to give them what they want, but not so they end up with duplicate gifts. So one Christmas I made sure that Kevin gave me a list he hadn't given anyone else. It was in my sisters handwriting and because I had given him a cd player earlier, what better way to build your collection without having to mail back your selections monthly ever if its only for a penny?

My eyes quickly scanned the list, and I immediately blew off the clothing. I don't give practical gifts. Hate getting them, won't give them. That's the difference between Want Shopping and Need Shopping. Want is so much better. For example, I want a new cellphone, but I don't need it. I do need my water not to be contaminated. I'll hold off on the phone.

I also love to shop. If I thought I could be a personal shopper I would. Its beyond retail therapy. Its the hunt and finding the perfect gift. To me that is all part of the gift, the effort given to shop, down to the presentation and card. Well, that and 12lbs of wrapping paper and sealing every seam with tape. Yes, I did have stock in 3M thank you. The gift giver must work for the prize.

So shopping list in hand I hit the stores. All the cd's he wanted were really not in stock or I didn't feel appropriate. So finally I settled on a name on his list that I had never heard of, "Red Umbrose."

I searched high and low. I asked people in the stores, only to be met with blank stares. I knew this had to be the perfect gift, because this group's music was so hard to come by. I searched in vain. Finally after several weeks of searching every venue I could think of, and asking every store owner and stranger out there, I chose another one of his selections and glumly headed to the house Christmas afternoon.

The family was gathered admiring all the loot, and I walked in bags in hand to be Pamta Claus. When I got to Kevin I simply handed him his gifts, and waited for the right moment. The family took turns,opening their gifts to oohs and ahs, and Kevin opened his gift and smiled and thanked me.

At that point I had to tell him about my search, and how sorry I was that I couldn't find this group The Red Umbrose and what exactly do they sing, because everyone I asked had no clue.

The room was silent for about three seconds before everyone started laughing.

What, I wanted to know was so damn funny?

"They're soccer shorts Aunt Pam, I needed them for school."

Oh.

I took the well deserved ribbing as I deserved it. Ask no questions, look like a fool.

But the story doesn't end there.

His birthday is in February. In that time, I decided to burn him a cd of some of his favorite songs over the years. The only difference was, I designed the cover, quite well I may add, of the hit group performing all the cover songs. That's right. When he opened his cd for his birthday he finally had the one and only copy by The Red Umbrose. Ya gotta admit, its a great name for a band. LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!! THE RED UMBROSE!!! and the crowd goes wild.

But in my defense a single woman without kids would have no reason to know a name brand of soccer shorts or any kind of sport gear for that matter. Which got me into trouble one more time.

Generally after the 4th of July, we switch to summer hours, so our office closes on Fridays around 1:00. My married girlfriends use this as free time in their day for themselves, when hubby and kids think they are still at work.

Last year, my girlfriend Janet who works with me, and her sister Paula, got in the habit of meeting for lunch at the Winner's Circle and knocking a few martini's back and maybe an appetizer or two.

What's nice about the place is there is outside dining, and it isn't crowded during that time period.

We had settled into our table and I noticed there were some new drinks on the menu, involving lots of pineapple juice, vodka and something else concocted to make this awesome pineapple martini. Sounded refreshing so we all ordered them. And drank them. Quickly. On an empty stomach. The first thing to go on Paula is her legs. Janet and I get the giggles. Our waitress, who was a tiny little thing, no bigger than a minute..you know the type, young blonde, skin still firm, can wear clothes the same size as a Barbie doll? Nice girl though, not her fault we've grown into our baby fat..whew...finally.

Anyway, she came back to our table to get our food order and noticed the empty glasses. Sure, we'll have another round! She took our drink orders, because lord knows I never drink the same thing twice, and our food order. I was across the table from the sisters and as our waitress walked away, I heard Paula say under her breath, "Filthy Whore."

What? I was dumbstruck, I mean yeah she's a tiny little thing, so I called her out on that. Loudly. Damn martinis.

"Paula what the hell did our waitress do to you?' Oh my god.

"What are you talking about Pam?'

"Why did you call our waitress a filthy whore?"

" I didn't", she replied, " I said "Sophies Shorts"

Well, with that we were just about crying with laughter. Once again, my mind worked overtime in my analyses. I thought this was one of the girls her husband had cheated with, and wow what chance that she would be our waitress or that she knew her name.

We just about peed ourselves.

When you have friendships that last long periods of time, you develop your own language and inside jokes. So to utter..Filthy Whore out loud still bring chuckles the way Two Buckets for Trout will.

So last week, it was said in passing, as I told my girlfriends I was sharing these moments with the online world.

Filthy whore, Sofie's shorts.

But I said to Janet, "Ya know, I still don't know what was wrong with her pants."

'What?"

'Sophie's shorts. What was wrong with them?"

I should have stopped there.

"Not Sophie, Soffe Shorts..for soccer."

Jesus with the soccer shorts already, we both lost it again.

 

 

 

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The Money Pit 2007

2007-06-25

The never ending challenges of owning an older home can get quite tiresome. Seriously, if you aren't into home repair, maintenance, and stress stay away from old construction.

When I bought my house, I threw alot of money into it. A ridiculous amount but though I joke about being a princess, I know what it takes to maintain a home. I learned well from others before me, and yes on certain days you can find me cleaning the outside of my home, wiping down shutters, windowsills, door frames..kind of necessary when your house is covered in white stucco. 

But one thing I didn't skimp on was the mechanics of this house. I upgraded the electrical panel, installed a $9000.00 top of the line oil burner and water tank, wireless networks, had Comcast rewire the whole house, installed a  new well pump, and a reverse osmosis system. I get my water tested every year and even pay the water company to mix the chemicals for my filtration tank. Like I've said before..its a steampunk house in reverse.

So how pissed am I now that my well is contaminated? At first I smelled something musty, dusty when I turned the water on in the shower. It smelled like my basement. Hmm. Well it had rained, but I still found that a little odd. But I continued to shower, shampoo and shine. As the days went on, and I used the water I felt it was slimy. But you second guess yourself because you're standing in water and soap and if you don't want to think about it and pull a Scarlett O'hara you continue to use the water. But one thing you can't ignore is an animals instinct. The little pieman, was refusing to drink from his favorite place the toilet. Uh oh.

So long story short, I researched my water symptons on line, and found it to be an iron bacteria contamination. Not suppose to be harmful, but hah, I ended up at the doctors this week with...a bacteria infection...great..just great.

I called the water company but they can't come out until Tuesday and told me to use bottled water.

Maybe I'm taking this too far, but I have accumulated 5 cases in my garage. So I've been giving it to Simon..and my garden. Once you spend the time effort and energy to have your garden grow, contaminated water will kill your flowers off. So there I am in the morning in my bathrobe, pouring water in my garden 20 ounce by 20 ounces. The neighbors must think I'm insane, except for the mere fact that their wells are contaminated as well.

I know the source or at least I have it figured out. Less than a quarter mile up the road a new housing development is being built. They are getting public water and the land disturbance going on is screwing with our water tables. Normally, one would contact the township and lodge a complaint, but since this builders subdivision, backs up and ties into my employer (a builder) subdivision, and they are tying into our pump station, I find myself in quite the little predicament.

I'll have to see how much its going to take to clean the well. Ah, but first one must know where the well is. Little problem. I only have a vague idea but a friend gave me an idea today to resolve that.  He told me when the water company comes out to test the water, slip the guy a $20 and ask him to use an M scope to trace the well. This can be done in about 5 minutes. Last year the same company wanted to bring out heavy equipment and tear up my lawn, but I declined.

Knowledge is power. I warned them on the phone and told them what my problem was, they wanted to make up more problems than I diagnosed ..I wasn't buying it. As a back up plan I spent 2.95 to download a book on how to shock my well, but I do need to know where it is first. Another homeowner tip if you suspect a water problem, is to check the tank on your toilet. I lifted the lid and sure enough the tell tale reddish stain and slime was in the tank. I swirled it with the toilet brush to see if the water cleared or if I would have to scrape the sides of the tank to clean it. 

I don't mind spending the money on this old house, but I'm not going to bend over and take it up the plumbing if I don't have to. I just like to have cost effective solutions to out manuever these companies that hold homeowners hostage with unnecessary costs. If it really is worse than I think, my friend told me to go to the DEP and let them investigate, that way kind of takes the stress off of me, suing my employer. Though some days....it would be worth it.

 

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Evan Almighty

2007-06-24

OK, I will preface this post clarifying that I haven't spent my $9.00 yet to see the movie. But I have been waiting for it to open, since I saw the previews. It has a great cast, and it is a sequel in a sense to Bruce Almighty. Now we are following Evan Baxter on his journey.

I don't listen to paid critics. Normally they don't like these kind of movies, and if you vaguely follow what happens at Cannes, the small indie film wins with a political statement or the like. Yawn. Regardless of what you believe, if a movie is made from that Producer/Writer/Directors views, its still their views and not all sides of the story, so I'll take a pass.

What I do like to check out though is IMDB.com under normal circumstances. Its a great resource for basically every movie out there, and its a useful tool. Like a song in a soundtrack and can't think of what it is? You can find it there.

So last night, I decided to check out IMDB for Evan Almighty. Ratings by the public weren't great, but it still didn't deter me from wasting money or time. What I was kind of interested in were the comments left by viewers.

Now regardless of what my beliefs are now, based on my experiences in life and with people, I still believe you have to take your kids to church to give them basics. When they are older and experience life then they can make their own decisions but everyone should at least have some kind of moral compass. But it was apparent to me reading the threads, that some of the younger viewers didn't even know the story of  Noah's Ark.  Some viewers didn't understand at all why the animals were in the movie, and thought it would be a better story without them. Must be vegetarians.

Other users took it upon themselves to attempt to educate the unknowing about the biblical story, but it was met with disbelief. Someone even explained what a rainbow meant as "gods promise to never flood the earth again" to which another user replied, and I'm sure was told as a child, that a rainbow was a sign that " a puppy had just been born."  LOL, Oh my, if that were the case it would be gay paradise every spring... and in case anyone cares , here's the meaning attributed to the stripes on the rainbow flag that is used to denote gay friendly establishments:

• red: light;
• orange: healing;
• yellow: sun;
• green: calmness;
• blue: art;
• lilac: the spirit;

That's from the maker of the flag Gilbert Baker whose been turning them out since 1978. Now they've thrown an 8 colored version out there that came out Valentines Day that seems to be drawing puzzled looks throughout the gay community. LOL..silly homosexuals. Now don't get me wrong, I have plenty of gay friends. Which for any straight woman would mean one, I happen to have three, but don't see them as much anymore.  But we'll let the gays have their 6 colored flag, as anyone knows there are 7 colors in a real rainbow. Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Violet, Indigo. Which when you view a normal rainbow, as I did last week red is on top, unless you are viewing a double rainbow where the second bow has the colors inverted. But I've gone offtrack, but at least it was a colorful and somewhat educational one.

I was channel flipping as I ate my breakfast and only half paying attention to the tv, when I heard Steve Carrols familiar voice. It was the making of the movie, and after watching that, made me decide that I would take the time to view it, not necessarily for the story, but the logistics and effort that went into producing it.

The movie has the most number of animals ever used in an epic production, the Producer is a green freak, and he even went so far as to donate the wood used to build the ark to Habitat for Humanity. He bought 400 bicylcles for everyone to get around on except for Morgan Freeman, owning up to his last name and age I suppose, he was driven around, which proves that the universe does even thing out even in the cinematic world. 10 points if you get the reference.

So for the movie to break even they just have to take in 250 million which was what it cost to produce this film. Before you think to yourself how big budgets are getting, they filmed most of this in Virginia and had to either build barns or rent them out for all the animals and lord knows how much it cost to feed elephants, bears, and the like. Shame about the gripper..that was a free meal....just kidding.

I go to the movies to be entertained and regardless of the flack the movie is taking, I like the cast, and it will get me out of the house and off the computer for a couple of hours, but I will wait for a rainy day. Nothing like setting the mood. 

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A Sad Post Script

2007-06-23

They arrested the boyfriend today of Jessie Davis, who is the father of her son and unborn child. They found her body and promptly arrested him.

The odd thing is that he is a police officer, and something just doesn't fit. Why wouldn't the two year old, who obviously knows who his father is, have stated something about him, if he was the one in the house at the time, " Mommy broke the table, "Mommy's in the rug." Why wouldn't her sister have asked the child, "Who put mommy in the rug?"

Of course the child has been traumitzed enough, and will need counseling, so any thoughts of trying to get any more information out of him is pointless. I don't even think they have a motive as to why he would kill her and their unborn child. I'm not saying he didn't do it, or plan it and have someone else carry it out, but we aren't getting the full story for it to make sense to me. Regardless my thoughts go out to her family who instead of now planning a celebration for a new life next week, are burying two.

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Stop When You're Ahead

2007-06-23

Found this little addictive online game from Mr. Bill. It took me a few tries to get the hang of it.

Once I made it through the window and two loop the loops, it didn't even matter to me that my best fell far short of the other 179,801 people before me. I was number one in my book.

Enjoy!

Then again, practice makes perfect!

http://flightsimx.cyclops.amnesia.com.au/

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Visual DNA Test

2007-06-23

This is cool, and pretty damn accurate.

Visual DNA Test

Barnabus thought I should mention, that you need to choose from each set of pics.  

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Banned on Fox?

2007-06-22

I find this hard to believe from a network that gave us everything from Married, With Children to The Simpsons.

This same commercial is also banned on CBS, but I find the reasoning ridiculous. Though the commercial is promoting safe sex and condom usage, the networks are more concerned about the props.

First off, its a typical scene, men (pigs -but they cover that with a double entendre)hitting on women in a bar. So the problem? Horrors..there's alcohol... in a bar!! Oh No, what is this world coming to? What's next? Dancing? I know the commercial shows pigs, but I didn't see any sign of Kevin Bacon.

Now some people out there are going to be offended because the commercial is simply alluding to sex, and I could care less about the moral minority. What's the difference between commercials for feminine products which obviously refer to the female reproductive system and condoms? Though, I always found it funny in my head how the first commercial for Maxipad's must have been conceived.

I pictured a small room, large table and a think tank headed up by an eager executive embracing a new market. They have the concept, sell the product based on absorbency.. and sitting on tabletop are the pads, or as my girlfriend used to call them, mouse mattresses. Eager to show just how absorbent the product is, they'll simply pour a cup of water, which is way more fluid that any woman would be comfortable tooling around in, but it has to make an impact so she remembers the brand in the grocery store. Our enthusiastic ad exec reaches for liquid to pour into the pad and..wait! What the hell color do we use? Ok, red's out...yellow...no...green? ew..that could be a sign of infection..hmm..definitely not black..orange..no that could be a bad combo....uhmm blue? Ah yes,the only non offensive color in nature. Its soothing, its calm, yep..blue and coincidentally, women feel blue..oh wait..lets not play that up ...anyway...I digress, back to the topic at hand.

With such a hue and cry raised about sex education in schools, and how we can't educate little Billy because if we promote sex ed in school we may as well strap him to a clitoris, what does the American Public have left to get free information? What else will consumers pay the most attention to on a daily basis?

Television.

Advertisers have a lot to sell in thirty seconds, when the average cost of a commercial is $200,000.00 during prime time. During the Superbowl, that rate is 2.7 million. The public is bombarded with advertising, from everything hits your mailbox both on and off line, print, media, brand recognition, product placement in your favorite sitcoms, to designer labels others wear. Personally I refuse to wear designer labels, if I want to wear someone's name, its going to be mine. I wear a perfume that I get an incredible amount of compliments when I wear it. Even when asked, I'll only give out the name of the perfume and not the embarrasing bald promoter of one said product. Say all you want, but the girl knows how to endorse perfumes. I just don't brag about it, or show support by shaving my head. Though I think she would have been in a lot less trouble if she had embraced the Trojan brand.

Well without further ado, here's the new commercial that can only be shown after 11:30 at night. I find it amusing as a woman, and quite frankly I wonder how much they're charging for those condoms in the men's room. Personally in that venue, they should be complimentary.

http://us.video.aol.com/player/launcher?ar=us_en_video_320x372_snag&pmmsid=1928124&autoplay=1# 

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Here She Is

2007-06-22

USS New York

It was built with 24 tons of scrap steel from the World Trade Center. It is the fifth in a new class of warship - designed for missions that include special operations against terrorists. It will! carry a crew of 360 sailors and 700 combat-ready Marines to be delivered ashore by helicopters and assault craft. Steel from the World Trade Center was melted down in a foundry in Amite, LA to cast the ship's bow section. When it was poured into the molds on Sept 9, 2003, "those big rough steelworkers treated it with total reverence," recalled Navy Capt. Kevin Wensing, who was there. "It was a spiritual moment for everybody there." Junior Chavers, foundry operations manager, said that when the trade center steel first arrived, he touched it with his hand and the "hair on my neck stood up." "It had a big meaning to it for all of us," he said. "They knocked us down. They can't keep us down. We're going to be back."

The ship's motto? "Never Forget!"

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Disturbing News Stories

2007-06-19

There are two stories in the news today, each one equally disturbing.

The first is the pregant woman from Ohio who has disappeared. There was a pool of blood in the home, cell phone and wallet missing and her toddler son claiming "Mommy was crying. Mommy broke the table. Mommy's in the rug."

Today, a couple 45 miles away came home to find a newborn with the umbilical cord still attached, on the doorstep. They promptly took the baby to the hospital where they performed a DNA test. 

Thomas Maurer, sheriff in neighboring Wayne County, said a doctor determined that the baby was less than 24 hours old, and that officials are using "every caution we can" to eliminate the possibility that the baby is related to the missing woman, Jessie Davis. 

I don't know, but I would want to know that if something did happen to Jessie Davis, at least her child lived.

The other story I find distressing is the couple in Bejing China. This is taken from the Associated Press.

Doctors in southern China were planning to perform surgery on a 1-year-old boy whose parents took him to a hospital because he had been unusually fussy and learned he had six sewing needles in his body, newspapers reported Monday.

The child's parents, migrant workers from southwest China, said they had no idea how the needles ended up in their son, nicknamed Xiao Yu.

The Beijing Youth Daily ran a color photo of an X-ray showing five needles throughout the boy's torso. The Beijing Morning Post printed close-ups of the X-ray, plus another that showed a needle that had apparently been pushed through the top of the child's head.

The photographs showed the needles completely embedded inside the boy.

"We have to perform the surgery as soon as possible, but we cannot promise that we can remove all the needles," the doctor, Gu Yong, was quoted as saying.

The parents said they took Xiao Yu to a hospital on June 2 after he cried for three or four nights in a row and ate less than usual.

An X-ray taken there revealed two needles inside the boy's chest. He was sent for surgery at another hospital, where a second X-ray revealed four more needles - two in his scrotum, one in his head and another in his abdomen.

The parents, who work at a bag factory in southern China's Guangzhou city, said no strangers have come into contact with the boy. 

Ok, so lets play Nancy Drew for one moment. Let's eliminate the parents, if they are both working...hmmmm..who cares for the baby during the day? Another family member? So lets be thankful a STRANGER isn't sticking sewing needles in your baby, but it's someone you know.

What we do to one another is just reprehensible as a species. I'm betting in all the time Dr. Jane Goodall spent with the Apes, not one came home from a hard day in the jungle, wondering who stuck bamboo shoots into baby ape. It just doesn't happen in the wild.  Let's all pay a little more attention to what is going on around us, outside of our little world. We don't all have to be hero's but we should look out for one another. 

 

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For the Ladies

2007-06-18

Funniest email forward of the week..so what if it's Monday. As an added bonus,I've included some pics of lovely arts and crafts we can make with our personal care products!

Proctor & Gamble

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I ppreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I 'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."  Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants.

This brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cra mping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness "actual smiling, laughing happiness" is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to
end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?

Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always!

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

 

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Gratuitious Self Promotion

2007-06-17

http://stores.ebay.com/Rush-of-Wings

Actually I maintain this eBay store for a friend of mine. If you have any interest in the military and unique collectibles, he is selling off his collections. Lets just say..tough divorce. So for the next several months, I will be updating and posting items for sale. He has some cool models listed now, as well as some military patches. Items he's already sold, but a sampling of his collection have been a mint condition flight suit, RAF gauntlet air force gloves from 1942, and bullet holes from downed US Aircraft from the Aleutian Islands. He really has an amazing inventory.

By the way, that's him hanging out the door of the helicopter. Read his blogs, and check out some very rare pictures from the Cold War era.

 

 

 

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Steampunk

2007-06-17

Definition of Steam Punk as Object Style

Various modern utlitarian objects such as computer keyboards and electric guitars have been reimplemented by individual craftpersons in a pseudo-Victorian mechanical "steampunk" style. The goal of the redesigns are to employ appropriate materials (such as polished brass) with design elements and craftsmanship consistent with the Victorian era. This is a form of modding.

definition source:wikipedia.com

A friend of mine turned me onto this website www.steampunkworkshop.com. There aren't too many things I see that are a "must purchase", but unfortunately as cool as this computer is, none are available for sale. However, if you have some spare time and the right components,you to can set off on your own steampunk adventure. I also love what he did to the stratocaster. Fortunately I do have an antique typewriter and spare computer components, and a lot of spare time on my hands. I just don't have the tools, but this guy gives really good video demo's of how he performed the mods.

 

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So You Wanna Be An American?

2007-06-17

I think the following should be posted at our borders, in all languages. Then again, once you read it, you may decide to go live in another country yourself.

So as I near closer to filing bankruptcy, there are a few things one has to do as required by the new laws passed as of October 2005. One of the requirements prior to filing is taking a debt counseling class which includes certification that you passed. After your bankruptcy is discharged, you have to take a Debtor Education course within 45 days.

So this morning I decided to get this part of it out of the way. It’s not difficult but you have to pay attention. All I’ll say is they may know about debt counseling, but they don’t know how to phrase a question correctly. I understand the theory to make it a trick question, but there are ways of doing that without a double negative.

However, that’s not what I want to share with you. As you progress through the class the main function is to educate and provide some debt relief solutions. One way they do this is a modified means test, and they examine your income and your expenses. That then is compared against two separate plans outside of bankruptcy. On the far right side of the plan are the national standards listed and the percentage of your take home pay that consumers should not be exceeding. That is what I want to share with you, so you can look at your own standard of living and see if you are falling within the “national guidelines.”

To make your own spreadsheet utilize all income (net) that is your disposable income. I’ll do this in columns so you can cut and paste into Excel. To get the percentage divide the total for that section by the amount of your net income. Format into percent, using 2 decimal places.

OVERVIEW OF NET INCOME

List all sources:

Salary/Wages/Tips

Social Security

Military Pay

Pension Plan/Retirement

Interest Income

Alimony/Child support

Real Estate/Rent

Dividends (investments)

Unemployment/Food Stamps

Royalties

Other

Total Spouse Income

Total Income

Its easiest to do this based on monthly income, but you can break it down by weekly, monthly, bi monthly or yearly. Just make sure to divide your columns correctly. Now moving onto expenses, again it’s easier to base this on a monthly amount or if you know your weekly amount, multiply by 52, then divide by 12.

Your standard living expenses should be no more than 20% of your net income.

STANDARD MONTHLY LIVING EXPENSES NATIONAL STANDARD

Food (Groceries, lunches, etc)

Household Items

Clothing and laundry

Personal Care/Medical (products & services)

Total Standard Living Expenses

MONTHLY TRANSPORTATION EXPENSES NATIONAL STANDARD

Your transportation expenses should be no more than 20% of your net income.

First Vehicle payment

Other Vehicle payment

Gasoline, oil & repairs

Public transportation & parking

Total Transportation Expenses

Your housing expenses should be no more than 35% of your net income.

MONTHLY HOUSING EXPENSES NATIONAL STANDARD

Mortgage (with Taxes) or Rent

Home Insurance & Dues

Utilities

Total Monthly Housing Expenses

Your savings & investments should be no more than 5% of your net income.

MONTHLY SAVINGS & INVESTMENTS NATIONAL STANDARD

Savings

Investments

Total Monthly Savings & Investments

Your miscellaneous expenses should be no more than 5% of your net income.

MISCELLANEOUS EXPENSES NATIONAL STANDARD

Other

Other

Other

Total Miscellaneous Expenses

Outstanding Unsecured Debt NATIONAL STANDARD

Your debt payments should be no more than 15% of your net income.

Medical Bills

Credit Cards

Other Debts

Total Unsecured Debt

So there you have it. That’s how the government looks at your paycheck and what you should be spending to live the American Dream. I think it would be a fine idea to give this same worksheet to our constituents, and potential presidential candidates and see how well they follow the guidelines. As a matter of fact, when they are fighting about the national debt in the trillions- all as a deficit thank you, let’s make them adhere to the standards.

This could work if we went with a flat tax across the board, instead of income tax, just a consumption tax. Except no double dipping to the consumer. Screw the state and local taxes. Say the flat tax is set at 10% on every purchase. The Federal government can receive 6%, then the remaining can be set at 3% to the State and 1% to your local district, divided equally based on an average. Too difficult to track where the sales took place and who should get what. Here’s your budget America. Work with it, and while you’re at it find a way to decrease your spending.

Did I forget to mention, throughout the “counseling” they have all nice and shiny ideas for you to cut your personal spending? If you notice on these categories, there isn’t one thing left for vacations, gift giving, entertainment, etc. I guess we are supposed to be drones. Just little worker bees, building the hive, going flower to flower, make the honey, and die. We don’t even get to screw the queen, or reproduce. Reminds me of the old SNL Killer Bees skit with John Belushi (while watching him in bed at night..Jimmy’s buzzing off, Jimmy’s buzzing off!) Ah the seventies.

But now back to the present and recent past.

One of the reasons the libertarian party for years pushed for our country to declare itself bankrupt and eliminate the national debt and reduce the taxes on our income, is because there is no way we can continue to fool ourselves with tax cuts and increased spending. We’re in the red..deep red. So how can you balance a budget that is only in the negative? Different shades of red?

Our government isn’t accountable. Wouldn’t you love to see a simple spreadsheet, worked out all nice and pretty with how they are spending our tax dollars? Ok, here it is. I pulled this info from http://www.gpoaccess.gov/usbudget/fy08/sheets/hist03z2.xls and an MSNBC report, but I decided to make it easy to read. Remember these figures are based roughly on every thousand dollars collected of your federal income tax.

Dollars per thousand spent
Social Security		$206.60
Defense Spending		$196.50
Health Care		$219.40
Interest on Treasury debt		$122.20
			$744.70
INCOME SECURITY
Unemployment Insurance		$12.70
Food & Nutrition programs		$20.30
Housing Assistance		$14.40
Retirement for Fed workers		$37.00
			$84.40
EDUCATION
Colleges & Universities		$19.00
Primary & Secondary		$15.00
Worker training programs in educate the masses	$2.70
Social Services		$6.20
			$42.90
SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY
General Science & research		$3.40
Space Program		$5.50
			$ 8.90
TRANSPORTATION COST
Ground		$ 17.00
Air		$ 6.80
Water		$ 2.50
			$26.30
LAND COST
Agriculture		$9.80
Environment		$12.40
			$ 22.20
JUSTICE ADMINISTRATION
Fed Law enforcement		$ 7.50
Maintain Courts		$ 3.80
Maintain Prisons		$ 2.30
			$ 13.60
Disaster relief/insurance		$ 17.40
			$ 17.40
Community/regional development		$ 3.20
			$ 3.20
International/Humanitarian		$6.30
Int'l affairs/ambassador housing		$3.20
Security outside US borders		$2.90
Management fee Us Govt (what we pay the gov't to do the bookkeeping)		$6.90
			$ 19.30
Federal Tax Dollars spent		$982.90

So there you have it. Not all of that money came from your incomes taxes, by the way. This year individuals will pay about $1.2 trillion of the $2.7 trillion federal spending, while corporations will pay $342 billion. The rest comes from Social Security taxes ($873 billion); excises taxes ($57 billion) and other taxes and fees ($98 billion.)

For everything else, there’s U.S. Treasury debt (remember the $122.00 per thousand you spend on interest on this debt? It goes back to around the Revolutionary War)

We also need to be aggressive in going after money that is owed to us from our foreign friends. Let’s take them at their word when they are going to pay us, if not? We adopt some National Collectors that call overseas to collect the debt owed. Talk about a commission check. Nothing like a collection call set on autodial every few hours to get some much needed funds floating back into our economy.

Well, so ends today’s class in So You Wanna Be An American? Like I’ve stated before, I have no problems with immigrants coming to this country, just put them on the books.

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SURVIVOR: Central West Facility 2007

2007-06-07

Welcome to this season's newest Survivor to date! I'm your host Jeff Probst.

This season is the toughest Survivor ever. We're setting up celebrities to endure FORTY FIVE days! wha..wait a moment....excuse me folks, there's been a change.

TAKE #2

Welcome to this season's newest Survivor to date! I'm your host Jeff Probst.

This season is the toughest Survivor ever. We're setting up celebrities to endure Twenty Three days in the most grueling detention center in California..what? oh for crying out loud.

TAKE #3

This season of Survivor has been cancelled after three days I'm your unemployed host Jeff Probst. God I hate that bitch Paris.

Fade to Hollywood Hills Mansion, where the newly freed Paris limps gamely from her limo.

"No questions please, I have a really bad tummyache. They fed me some exotic meat product and a -what was it mommy? A hot dog and somthing orange congealed next to it."

"Don't worry about it dear, just throw it up as usual."

" I will mumsy, it was my plan all along to get out of jail free, can I see my shiny new bracelet now?"

" Not a bracelet Paris, an anklet."

"Like the kind I used on my video?"

"No dear, this is only for one leg."

"How long do I have to wear it?"

"Forty days dear."

"Can I go to work and still drive?"

"I'm not sure dear, I'll call your publicist"

I don't know about the rest of you, but I would hate to be the family member of the next person Paris hurts. You know its going to happen. It may not be today but she is going to hurt someone. There's quite alot of money at stake, and the next person she hurts, is going to inherit those Hilton millions. You know someone may just throw themselves in front of her car....wait a minute...hmmm..I think there's a fare sale going on. Gotta go...

 

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Safe Sex

2007-06-06

Oh those crazy Canadians.

For a minute I thought I was subjected to a Very Special Blossom Grows Up, or a really bad episode of Saved By The Bell, the sex years. Wait a minute, now that I remember it, every episode was bad. Don't worry, link takes you to LiveVideo.com not a porn site.

 

 

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Song Lyrics You've Never Heard

2007-06-06

As a child of the 60's we grew up with TV Sitcoms that generally were orchestrated, but not sung. That changed with Gilligan's Island, where they used the intro to give the background story. Of course with our global attention deficit disorder now a days, there's barely a blip as TV Exec attempt to keep us from switching the channel between shows. But generally ask anyone to sing the theme song to the Brady Bunch they can knock it out, and die hard fans, will quote their favorite moments..."Oh my nose!" "Porkchops and Applesauce."

However, I have my little treasure trove of lyrics for 60's sitcoms etc that have lyrics that you've never heard. Interestingly enough the last song listed, is the most widely known theme, though no one has ever recorded it. Once you read the lyrics its pretty self explanitory.

But for now, here's my short collection of Sixties Songs You've Never Heard

(Go ahead and sing along, you know you want to)

I Dream of Jeannie Lyrics

by Hugo Montenegro

Jeannie, fresh as a daisy.
Just love how she obeys me,
Does things that just amaze me so.

She smiles, Presto the rain goes.
She blinks, up come the rainbows.
Cars stop, even the train goes slow.

When she goes by
She paints sunshine on every rafter,
Sprinkles the air with laughter,
We're close as a quarter after three.

There's no one like

Jeannie. I'll introduce her,
To you, but it's no use, sir,
Cause my Jeannie's in love with me.

Bewitched

by Howard Greenfield and Jack Keller

Bewitched, Bewitched,
You've got me in your spell.
Bewitched, Bewitched,
You know your craft so well.
Before I knew what I was doing
I looked in your eyes
That brand of woo you've been brewin'
Took me by surprise.

You witch, you witch,
One thing is for sure.
That stuff you pitch
Just hasn't got a cure.
My heart was under lock and key,
But somehow it got unhitched.
I never thought that I could be had
But now I'm caught and I'm kinda glad
To be Bewitched.

Bonanza Lyrics

We got a right to pick a little fight
Bonanza!
If anyone fights anyone of us
He's gotta fight with me!

We're not a one to saddle up and run,
Bonanza!
Anyone of us who starts a little fuss
knows he can count on me!

One for four
Four for one,
This we guarantee.

We got a right to pick a little fight
Bonanza!
If anyone fights anyone of us
He's gotta fight with me!

 

STAR TREK

Written by Gene Roddenberry/Music by Alexander Courage

Beyond
The rim of the star-light
My love
Is wand'ring in star-flight
I know
He'll find in star-clustered reaches
Love,
Strange love a star woman teaches.
I know
His journey ends never
His star trek
Will go on forever.
But tell him
While he wanders his starry sea
Remember, remember me.

Thanks to Geek Trivia for the words and the following explanation;

The reason is because the lyrics to the Star Trek theme existed wholly as legal entities designed to earn creator Gene Roddenberry a little extra money. A "handshake" deal between Roddenberry and composer Alexander Courage held that Roddenberry had the option to write lyrics for the theme.

Under copyright rules, that entitled Roddenberry to half of the royalties earned by the Trek theme, regardless of whether the lyrics ever saw use. Since the theme appeared in every episode of Star Trek ever broadcast or sold, this amounted to a not inconsiderable sum over time, especially given Star Trek's popularity and longevity in syndication.

While the circumstances of the handshake agreement aren't entirely clear, Courage has stated publicly that he felt Roddenberry's actions were underhanded, designed strictly to earn a cheap buck at Courage's expense. Roddenberry at least once went on record as stating he wrote the lyrics because "I have to get some money somewhere. I'm sure not going to get it out of the profits of Star Trek." If nothing else, Roddenberry was a poor predictor of future success.

Source:http://articles.techrepublic.com.com/5100-10881-6187225-2.html?tag=nl.e010

 

 

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Why I Was Fired

2007-06-05

For the last company picnic,

management decided that, due to

 

liability issues, we could have

 

alcohol, but only one (1) drink per

 

person.



I was fired for ordering the cups.

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The South Shall Rise Again?

2007-06-05

Or so Rep William Jefferson, Democrat from Louisana thought.

There are a couple of things I find absent from the news relating to this.

For one, his sense of wrongdoing. I can hardly believe his response to the allegations of soliciting millions in bribes, he only received $400,000.00 and he "didn't promise any legislative favors." Bully for you..whew, what a great guy..how ethical.

Two, the fact that he was spanning the globe in countries such as Nigeria, Botswana, Equatorial Guinea and Sao Tome e Principe. It kind of makes me wonder if these people woke up to spam mail in their accounts that start off with; Hello. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is William Jefferson a Congressman in the United States. My Parish was hit by the Hurricane Katrina, but locked away in my freezer is millions of dollars, which I would gladly exchange for your fine Naira..."

Three the absence of the good Reverand Al Sharpton and the NAACP. They sure aren't coming to the fine gentleman from Louisiana's defense.

Four, the attitude from the rest of the members of the congress, that there should be a separation and the Justice Dept overstepped their bounds when they raided his home in 2005, netting $90,000 in cold hard cash..in his freezer.But I did love the reply by Justice Rosenberg;

"Frankly, we don't give a damn about politics,"... We believe he broke the law. That's why we brought the charges. Period."

That is how the government should work. You aren't above the laws you uphold just because you are an elected official. Get over yourself already.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is under the gun for vowing to clean up congress, she kicked him off one committee, tax writing on the Ways & Means, but allowed him to be seated in Homeland Security.

Uh, yeah..I'll take the category Homeland Security Secrets Sold to Third World Countries for $200.00 Alex.

Yep, I feel safe. 

 

 

 

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Out of the Mouth of Babes

2007-06-04

funny



Click the link to get a giggle.

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43 Things

2007-06-03

I ran across this site today, named simply enough 43things.com .

The purpose of this social site is to list 43 things you'd like to do, goals that can be serious, silly or anything in between. You also can find others on the site who are after the same goals, see how they are doing, get inspired by others, and accomplish your goals. I like the question below the search box " What do you want to do with your life?" Just type your answer in, and see who shares those same aspirations a you do.

But this can be a useful tool to keep ourselves accountable to ourselves, and help organize our thoughts and processes to get us there.

I know what my goals are. I live them, breathe them, and hold onto them. I don't know as personal as they are, I would publish them on the internet where anyone could potentially stumble upon them, but I at least listed two, with the intention of going back after I've put some thought into it. Well, I just thought of another goal, this one is easy to achieve, as it only involves cleaning the garage and installing an air conditioner today. Not really list worthy, but enough to get me offline and get something accomplished before the really hot humid weather hits.

 

The truth of the matter is, I have a habit of internalizing what I need to do, because as I used to kid my friends, "never a goal, always an ulterier motive." Which if we are honest with ourselves, probably why we do half the things we do. Not that the end always justifies the means, just a fact of life. I'm not a list maker, unless I am at work and several people are coming at me at once with several requests, then I find a task list necessary. 

I honestly hold myself to the tenent in the back of my mind, as I've stated before in my posts, that it is all about Peace and Purpose. Peace in our lives, and purpose in our soul. I typed that phrase into the box, I was the only one listed with that goal, worded that way. Its not that I feel other people don't want that, but maybe they are focusing on the 43 Things that they may believe will give them something that they don't even know they are looking for. I was fortunate enough to hear those words at Bonnie Baily's funeral years back. Those words stuck with me, because to me it was the simplest explanation for the meaning of life. The other words I hold onto that is from one of my favorite motivational books, 'How To Be Happy Damnit' is The purpose of your life is to find the purpose of your life. It would be ridiculous to go through life and not think it meant anything. I'm not so stupid though to believe we are all meant for greatness and recognition. Too many of us. Sometimes its ok to just be the salt of the earth. Though ironically those are the people who hold more worth, yet may not realize it. The following is taken from The Answer Bank, follow along, you'll see what I mean.

The question is: What is the meaning of 'salt of the earth'?

A. It means thoroughly good types. The origin is the Bible, from Jesus' sermon of the Mount, quoted in St Matthew's gospel: 'Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, werewith shall it be salted?' ( Translated as -You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?)

The Dictionary of Phrase and Fable says it suggests that the disciples should give the world an interesting flavour, and not that they were simply jolly good chaps. Super.

Q. How is it used now?
A. According to the Oxford Dictionary of Idioms, 'the salt of the earth' is now used to describe 'a person or persons of great kindness, reliability or honesty'. People like lollipop ladies and shepherds. This backs up another claim for the origin of the saying.

Q. What's that?
A. In the Moroccan city of Fez, the Jewish quarter (Mallah) is very old and was home to Jews who did a lot of salt mining. They were considered very useful to the community, and it is claimed that the expression 'salt of the earth' originated here.

Q. So anything described as 'salt' is valuable?
A. Yes. The Romans paid their soldiers an allowance of salt called a salarium - hence our word salary, and the phrases 'worth one's salt' and 'true to one's salt'. And if you 'salt a mine', you add valuable ore or something similar to make potential buyers think that they're getting something worthwhile.

Q. Is it the same idea for 'salting an account'?
A. Yes. That's when you put such a high value on something that you raise its market value. Of course, salt is traditionally a mark of social worth.

Q. How does that work?
A. To 'sit below the salt' means that someone has low social standing. It comes from an old custom of placing the family 'saler' (salt cellar) halfway down a long dining table. Those seated furthest away were the lowest rank. And people of distinction sat 'above the salt', near the head of the table.

Q. Should all this be taken with a pinch of salt?
A. This expression, from the Latin cum grano salis, means that there's a grain of truth in it. What? Don't you trust us?

So you see, its ok not to always aspire to fame, celebrity status or worry about our 15 minutes of fame. There are hero's and zero's and everything in between. I think every life counts and only if you give up for whatever reason, and do yourself in, before you find your meaning, is the only way to be a zero. The other side of it though, that we see with celebrities of any note, is believing your own publicity, which accounts for the idiotic things they do and beliving they are above the law. I value the ordinary hero's and the great ones who have gone on and done the things we don't have the fortitude or ability to do, but we all benefit from. It certainly makes me wonder if they had a list with 43 things to accomplish before they died.

 

 

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Life Lesson # 645

2007-06-02

So what have we learned today?

A) Love conquers all

B) While there's life there is hope

C) Never say never

D) All of the above