[I Was Naked]
When I Wrote ThisShits & Giggles II
2007-03-11
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
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A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful woman. They start talking, and after a few cocktails, she invites him back to her place for sex. He responds with an enthusiastic yes, and they are soon on their way.
After they arrive at her place, things heat up fast and she suggests a 69.
He responds with, "You know, I don't get out very much and I'm not totally hip to some of the new lingo."
"Oh, that's okay. Just follow my lead," she says.
Within a few minutes he gets the idea and things are going nicely, until she farts. "What the hell was that?" he asks, alarmed.
"Oh, sorry," she giggles. Not about to stop over such a minor detail, he resumes his activities. Thoroughly enjoying himself, he is completely disgusted when she cracks another one, even worse than the first.
"This is ridiculous. I have to go," he says, looking for his clothes. "What's the matter? Aren't you having fun?" she exclaims.
He pauses, and then replies, "Well, if you think I am sticking around for another 67 of those, you have another thing coming."
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew
I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up
for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit. "
Mary Mary Quite Contrary (2007-03-13)
can't - breathe! -laughing to hard!
hotx (2007-03-13)
Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
great
Spirited Minikin (2007-03-12)
OMG! Hilarious...loved the Wal-Mart one!
Spirited Minikin (2007-03-12)
OMG! Hilarious...loved the Wal-Mart one!
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