[I Was Naked]
When I Wrote ThisThe Velvet Pajama Defense
2007-12-03
That's all I have when asked how I managed to fall down a flight of stairs last night.
Mind you, this isn't the first time I've fallen down stairs, the exception this time is they are wooden, painted, and I've known since I bought this house at some point I was going to take a tumble. I wish I could say that I executed it beautifully, in Olympic fashion, nigh onto a half gainer with a twist and I stuck the landing. The reality is, I went ass over tea kettle, flipped onto my right side, attempted to grab the handrail, missed and thankfully stopped before I hit the landing. Upon a careful examination after a few choice words not uttered since Tony Montana raised the word Fuck to a new level, I noticed a strange new swollen lump on the top of my third metatarsal.
Having awoken TJ out of his near slumber on the other side of the wall, he wondered aloud if I had thrown something down the stairs.
Just myself I told him as he came out to inspect what I had done now. Noticing the odd lump on my foot he asked me what it was and had it always been there?
"Nope" I replied and with a resolve knowing that it couldn't be a good thing, I hit the lump and smashed it back into place. A strange purple berry mark appeared, but by this time, TJ had grabbed a couple of frozen bags of veggies from the freezer and I applied them gratefully.
Most of my attention was focused on my feet, but I couldn't ignore the rest of my body that was quickly stiffening. I went with the whole R.I.C.E. solution and eventually made my way upstairs. I was trying to avoid the obvious question, of just what the hell happened.
Now in my defense, the stairs are slippery. There was an errant leaf trudged in from outside, and I had a working theory that once again a conspiracy was brewing between Simon and TJ. My guess is since he's defected his affections over to TJ, my little communist cat is thinking of ways to do away with me because I took away his kitty milk ration, and TJ's been giving him ham. It's just one more way that a near death accident has befallen me in the last couple of months. (Note to self, update your will and disinherit the cat.)
Completing the compression point of my evening, I found my ace bandages and TJ offered to wrap my feet for me. He did a good job, not too tight, and I was able to fall asleep. The only caveat I had, was they are self sealing, none of those pesky metal hooks needed. The downside was, since they are self adhesive, as I lay sleeping, my feet got stuck together which raised a whole new set of issues. By morning I must have resolved the issue in my sleep as I lay across the bed, along the pillows with my feet dangling off the side, blessedly free of one another.
Suffice it to say, I hurt. Badly. TJ assumed I wouldn't be going to work, but hah, he doesn't understand obligation and guilt. He was off to the YMCA and wanted to know if I needed anything before he left for the next couple of hours. I gamely told him I was fine, and off he went.
I wanted to assess the damage in the cold light of day, and all I could tell at this point was that my feet were decidedly pudgy and my cankles were fabulous! My feet were swollen and looked even more like Barny Rubbles feet than usual, so I abandoned the bandage idea for the rest of the day.
My next thought was to get the blood flow back into my feet, and I did what any woman would do in this McGuyver moment..I reached for my pocket rocket. Let me tell you, it gives blessed relief to other parts of the body. Which of course in my sick twisted mind I thought how funny it would be if the NFL adopted my new sports medicine idea the next time a player was injured on the field:
Announcer: Well Chuck it looks like number 47 is down and they're bringing the Butterfly vibe out to work on that hamstring pull.
That's right Bob, but in this instance I'm wondering why they aren't using the Rotating Rabbit to really get to the heart of the matter....
Well, I think its a good idea in my little world and sure would make football a much more enjoyable sport for women, and its a new way of advertising since everyone is going for product placement lately, I think its a great way to thrill two birds with one stone.
In any event, the idea was the right one, as by the time I got to the Doctor later in the afternoon, and a thorough check that nothing was broken, he did use muscle stims on both my feet, while he did ultrasound on my right hand. He found more places on me that I hadn't even realized were hurt until direct pressure was applied.
He gave me some instructions to follow, including more immersion therapy, which I've chosen to ignore just for this evening, just the same as I'm laughing at his idea that I need to wear open toed shoes to work tomorrow to ease the pressure from my feet. Open toes after September? Oh fashion faux pas...
I hobbled my way out, with the promise to at least take some ibuprofen and come back on Wednesday. I made an executive decision not to park my car in my ultra tight garage, and settled in for a semi quiet evening and working in the office without a fire in the wood stove. My feet were frozen and I figured that was good enough for my purposes.
I had one more executive decision to make, which goes back to the title of my blog and that is..I Was Naked When I Wrote This.
That at least keeps me in bed and away from the stares...and stairs, and the conspicuously absent feline who even now is plotting my next demise.
By the way if anyone is interested, the aforementioned toys can be purchased at www.adameve.com.
Buddy Ter (2007-12-04)
Mike's right...cats are evil! I don't know how many times Midnight's tried to trip me as I've walked through the house. She tries to look innocent, as if to say "Oh, were you going that way? I was just cutting across to the food dish." But I know behind those green eyes there's a walnut-sized brain full of pure malice. Glad you're on the mend!
Michael Taylor (2007-12-04)
ALL cats are servants of the Dark Lord. And Siamese cats are, of course, the SS of the feline Nazi regime. After the Big War (coming soon to a nation near you!) cats and cockroaches will be the only thing left. I'm not sure which I should be rooting for! Hope you heal soon.
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