[I Was Naked]
When I Wrote ThisLearning to Let Go
2007-09-24
I'm good at a lot of things. I'll even be the first person to tell you. My weakness is letting go of people that I know are bad for me and drain me emotionally and physically.
I was back at the doctor's again today, because I really think they should name the new wing after me with all the co-pays I've produced recently. I must have looked worse than I felt, as the nurse took one look at me, pronounced me exhausted and the doctor would be more than happy to write a note to get me out of work for the next couple of days so I could sleep.
I smiled and thanked her, and explained how I'm not that strong of a sleeper to begin with, I manage roughly 4-5 hours a night. However, I did place a call tonight to my ex friend, asking him not to call me in the middle of the night, so I could at least attempt the 4 hours. My hope is after speaking to him, that he'll just be passing out after eating his pizza.
When he asked me what day it was I simply replied Drunkday. Tomorrow is Drunkday, followed by Drunkday, then Thursday which is only half a Drunkday as he drives an hour and a half to watch his son play football. Then its Drunkday Drunkday Drunkday. After which, an entire new drinking week starts.
Maybe I'm just jealous because I'm simply never that thirsty. I picked him up from a parking lot late Friday night, to avoid him from driving drunk and killing someone. As my guy lectured me today, I can't stop what is going to happen. Maybe not, but that night I allowed someone to get home alive that wouldn't had he tried.
I was still holding onto the friendship though, from a distance. He called me early the next day to see what I was doing and I reminded him I was going to a bridal shower. I reminded him he was supposed to be at home watching a football game with his new online romance, which I felt at least he wouldn't be a menace to society.
Another male friend has moved in here with me for the time being. I'm helping him get back on his feet and to be only an hour away from his 4 year old son. In exchange I'm using his home flipping skills to finish this place so I can get it market ready and move to California next spring.
I said goodbye and left him in his Everquest world, smile on his face and I only meant to stay a few hours at the shower, but its a good group of people, my adopted catholic family as it were and I was there about 5 hours.
Imagine my surprise when I couldn't reach either one of the guys on their cellphones. I didn't think too much more of it, and noticed the door was unlocked to my house, his van was in place and a candle was still burning. Guessing he was puttering somewhere, I was in my room when I heard his voice ala Ricky Ricardo..Pammy I'm HOoome.
I went downstairs an oddly enough it was Sir Drinksalot in the office. He waited until I left, showed up univited and dragged my friend out with him to 5 or 6 bars in the area. They were both trashed. I was not amused. I grabbed the keys out of Sir Drinksalot truck and glared at my roommate for smoking. He went and used Chantix and succeeded in quitting until the alcohol sunk in.
I put up with the crap for all of 15 minutes before I handed over his keys and watched him drive away.
I sat on the rocking chair on my porch and T. took the other one. He looked over at me, and solemn as could be, asked me to please not discuss him with Sir Drinksalot anymore. He didn't want to be involved in whatever game we were playing, and obviously I said things that were repeated back to him.
I sat there stunned. Innoucous conversation got twisted and turned the second time in an attempt to ruin a friendship. I thanked T for being the person he is, and smart enough to see through the manipulation. He continued telling me even more things that he knew and I could only apologize and blame myself for thinking I could trust Sir Drinksalot.
At that point it was really easy to let go. The next day I ignored 8 phone calls from him in 12 hours. He caught me at 1:00 a.m. as weary with the day, I automatically answered my phone in the middle of the night. I used my time well to tell him what I thought of him, but not so much that he knew everything that I knew. I just explained I couldn't trust him and we were done. At that point he decided to vilify me which he has a talent of doing, appearing to be the victim. He hung up on me, so I waited til it was 2 a.m or so to wake him up. Yep, I can act like a child as well when pushed.
His logic for doing what he did to one guy, had no bearing on his next comment that I am going to fail in moving to California, and I don't have what it takes to keep a relationship. I let him continue down his course and he admitted that once I move there he won't have any friends. NEWSFLASH you Jackass!! You don't have one now. T warned me that he was jealous of me, and I couldn't get through to dunkenbummble that I have the capacity to care about more than one person at a time. I got through my chores yesterday, and as T went happily back to questing and crafting, I went to my room to take a much deserved cat nap.
Today was easier knowing the calls wouldn't come in but sporadically. I knew he would go off the deepend and start the drinking cycle all over again. Beer is his only friend, and he has to buy that. He can buy whatever he wants, gamble like a son of a bitch and win ( of course- don't they always?) and believe he is financially set. Lord knows I did my part giving him everything he needed to be a real live boy. Even carved him out a new home. But I've cut the strings, he accused me of pulling them, when personally? I just want to kick the little wooden boy right into the fire.
But I know me. I'd just reach into the fire and end up getting burned. This time, I'm staying in the safety zone.
Bishop\'s Fantasy? (2007-09-24)
Tell you what, I'll push him in the fire while you're distracted if you'll do the same for me??
Gone4Ever (2007-09-24)
I have been dispatching mother fuckers left and right over the last year myself. I no longer tolerate people that cannot live by my very few boundries. As for drunk day, well if that is what you really want in life. I tell new folks if you have a few fine get drunk your ass is dusted and I don't care where you go or how you get home. I am starting a new phase of my life: back to the old school mean, nasty vindictive prick I used to be. being nice and living in goodwill has gotten me fucked over time and time again, it ends now. You want to fuck with me I will fuck you harder and with more rage than you can handle, so what if I am alone, at then I won't be anyones doormat..
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