[I Was Naked]
When I Wrote ThisFoul Weather Friends
2007-09-18
Need not apply.
Tonight I did something that I never do. I gave an ultimatum. To my functioning alcoholic friend.
It didn't last long, as he decided our friendship wasn't worth the effort. I asked him to get professional help. As all good BPD's will do, it got turned around and once again I was raked over the coals. I was called every name in the book, to the point that I asked if I was such a horrible person, why did he want me in his life?
For the last 10 years I've been his only source of stability and friend. But because I'm a woman and he's a man, whose divorced but still in love with his ex wife ( that he left btw for the younger thinner blond arm candy) and he has a son, that leaves me to get kicked to the curb in all new relationships.
It used to hurt. Alot. But over the last 6 years and countless women, I'm numb to the whole thing. He's a relationship addict as well as a BPD and this new one is long distance and just as detrimental to his psyche. I tried to explain that because they both have addictive personalities, the mere fact that they feed off of each other, does not "love" make. Especially in such a short time frame. In a "normal" evolution of a relationship, the first three months alone is mostly infatuation. Six months you're just starting to know the person, and maybe after a year you can begin to make the judgment if you can live with each others foibles.
In the last 6 years he's lived with me twice. Call me an enabler, I know what I've done, hindsight being 20/20. I also know the rough dollar amount I've spent to furnish a home for him, only to have him break his lease and move in with a woman he met at a bar three weeks later. That lasted all of 2.5 years where once again for the last time, I got the boot. There's no room in his life for me, when another woman deems that I must go.
Yet at the end of the day, when it invariably ends, he comes running to me. I'm his conscience, guide, friend, and I refuse to be his mother. So when this last one ended at the beginning weeks of August, I did what I always do..council, advise and used strings to get him a place to live. I have "people", friends actually that will do anything for me if I ask. I normally don't, for him I did. All I asked was for him not to shit where he ate, because my recommendation got him in.
Of course like any five year old, or maybe an O.D.D. complex, he immediately did the opposite and started screwing the neighbors. Whatever. When it got ugly one night and police calls threatened I put my foot down. All the while, he's working the out of state woman online, and dashing off to spend the weekend with her. Never mind he's in arrears with child support, immediate gratification is more important.
I also know better than to argue with a drunk, and nothing that comes out of his mouth anymore can I believe. He raked me over the coals Sunday to an old friend who is moving in here ( ok its a mutual thing, he gets back on his feet and an hour closer to his kid, I get him to help me fix up the outside of the house) for no other reason because I wouldn't fall into his depravity. I was actually yelling how much I hated him, and left his house. It's taken me two days to calm down, and I asked him not to drink today so we could discuss a solution.
Not only did it fall on deaf and drunk ears, my ultimatum was tossed back at me, with a bartering chip, that I have to meet the online woman when she comes to town in October. No deal I told him. He pressed me for a reason, (again) I told him because it wasn't real. I think if he had a stick he would have beat me with it. It's impossible for me to erase myself from his presence when everything he owns down to the food in his refrigerator was purchased by me. I simply was removing my profile from his laptop when he asked why I was still there. No problem I said, have a nice life, and I quietly walked out the door and to my car.
No tears this time. I thought I had placed myself in a win win situation, either he gets the help he needs, or I'm out of his life. I don't need the stress, I've never had to work this hard on a friendship that is so one sided. It all made sense when he said tonight, that he's been replaced. Oh no. You don't get to go there. Not when his footprint is embedded in my ass cheeks from having been kicked to the curb multiple times. I don't know how to fix this anymore, its so toxic that I'm not even sure it should be fixed even if I had the inclination. Its draining.
I'm not saying I won't miss the person that he was or the friendship before it was so irreparably broken. But life is short and I don't have time to continually get stabbed in the heart and then get asked why I am bleeding, waiting for another raincloud to come and wash it away.
This one's for you Jim.
Witqueen out.
raggedtigeruk (2007-09-19)
I woul have given up a long time ago. I never suffer fools gladly. But everyone is different....guess I would never make a samaritan...lmao
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