[I Was Naked]
When I Wrote ThisFour Eyes
2007-08-31
So far I'm not impressed with my 44th year, and I'm only 1 month and three days into it and counting.I will give myself somewhat of a break, taking into consideration that when one has been on their own for as long as I have, survival is the name of the game, not 3 three squares a day and plenty of sleep. Sleep is so over rated.
But when in the course of human events, and middle age comes knocking, you can't ignore the sound. Oh sure, you can pretend you aren't home, but that only works for about all of five minutes. Then you find yourself squinting through the peephole and realizing its a big blurry blob, or you've just been served a reality check, courtesy of Myopia.
For the last couple of months, I've ignored the blurred vision and even let my allergist convince me that by running out of my medicine for the same time period could be contributing to my blurred vision. What I couldn't ignore was the increasing frequency of ocular migraines that I've had for the last ten years. Frustrated by another episode I reluctantly called the eye doctor my GP had recommended.
I was thankful that the receptionist was able to get me in quickly and as she ran through her host of questions, and what was my reason for the office visit, I ticked off my symptom, ending with the ocular migraines.
"I had those" she said, "but I had a hysterectomy and they went away."
Hmmm, I thought to myself, that's a little too drastic of a remedy for my situation, I was thinking more along the line of eyedrops?
At any rate, I made my appointment and the week flew by.
When I got to the medical campus I could tell I wasn't going to like it. First off, I used to work for a couple of doctors and god love them, he refused to be dictated to by the insurance companies. So no HMO double and triple bookings. This place had a long counter with four receptions stations each with a doctors name. I was half tempted to jump in Dr. Yan's line and have some acupuncture performed.
I didn't have too long to wait, which was good as the parade of moms, strollers, and sick kids started parading in. Ah the start of the new school year and communicable diseases had arrived.
I was ushered back to the first exam room and since it had been five years since my last exam, it didn't dawn on me immediately that the flat panel tv across the way was the eye chart. I would have snickered because honestly they tried to convince me that the program was random, yet when I was sent to the other room after having my eyes dilated, their "random" program ran the same chart, as for one I have a photographic memory and I told the doctor I had memorized the chart. Not that it mattered, as he was doing the refraction part of the exam and I was still in denial.
He handed me a prescription and told me I was nearsighted in my left eye. Oh yeah, well you have frontal lobes and will be bald in five years, but I held my tongue. I honestly thought that he'd come to the same conclusion I had, but instead he told me if the migraines continued I had to go back to the neurologist. Hmm. Newp, been there, done that, pass the sweet and sour shrimp.
I gamely went back to work, the drive was interesting and the fact that I still had an hour or two of computer work to accomplish made for an interesting rest of the afternoon. I found that if I held an invoice in my left hand against the hutch and looked at it peripherally I could make out the numbers. I think. Note to self, double check those invoices Tuesday morning.
I found myself at the end of the day, sun shining brightly in my face heading to the mall to go to Lenscrafters, until I realized I truly couldn't see to drive, so no sense in attempting to pick out eyewear. Then once I was home the jew in me kicked in, and I found a website online that had glasses for $39.00. I truly was going to go that route but since my script only gave the sphere numbers, I didn't have my papillary distance. However, they did have a pdf file with directions and a mm ruler and I asked another person in the office to help me out and measure. She actually didn't do too badly as she went with 65 and the actual measurement turned out to be 66.5. Yes, I do have wide set eyes.
Now if anyone knows me, or reads these blogs, you know what a shopper I am. So yesterday I found myself once again, making the trek to the mall, with the intent of getting the readings, trying on some glasses and ordering them online.
I parked my car in my usual spot, walked into the mall and I was completely fine til I stepped into the place. Then the reality of it hit me and I fell apart. The cute little girl Amanda asked if she could help me, and I could only reply, nope I hate glasses. I don't want them, and I almost turned around and walked out. She was very nice and asked to see my script and appealed to my shopping sense.
I'm not the kind of girl who likes to wear designer anything. If I'm going to wear anyone's name its only going to be mine. Make no mistake though, I know my designers. What I didn't see was their own generic brand, as the one insurance I don't have is for vision. By the way, Mitsubishi Motors? My car payment this month is perched on my nose, I'll gladly send them to you in exchange for crediting August's payment.
Nothing looked good on me. It was either to Harry Potter, too Geordi Laforge, and one pair was total Mr. Magoo. The problem with these stores is they are trendy and not classic. Well, to be honest I did my damnedest to bring 1985 back with a pair of Ray Ban sunglasses that I believe I still have an original set of in a box somewhere in the annex of my house. But I tried them all. Dolce and Gabbana, Prada, Bulgari, DKNY. Nothing worked for me. Amanda brought in reinforcements. OK, now I see what's going on.
She placed a red pair of I believe Ralph Lauren glasses on me, trying to appeal to my vanity and how it brightened my face. Uh huh, that line may have worked on Sally Jesse but not this cracker. A very stern blond who had all the warmth of a Russian gymnast approached and gave me her opinion. I gave her a new name when I thanked her. "Olga" was too young to get the reference so I started calling her Inga. However, she might be young but when I pulled a compact out of my purse, she gave her approval of "ah Lancomme, nice" and her attitude changed. The two young ones tag teamed until I finally found a pair of Salvatore Ferragamo's I could live with then the strong arm upsell started.
I had my current sunglasses with me, that I've had for the last six years. Nothing special, Brighton's, but they were given to me and I like them. Every once in a while I get called "Hollywood" in them, but they have a certain flair reminiscent of days of yore. They tried telling me I would no longer be able to wear them, and I should buy another pair of prescription sunglasses as if I bought both now I'd say 40%. Guess what I'll save even more money by not buying them at all. Hah!
They ran down the list of items that I could include with my lenses and they asked if i wanted them Scotch Guarded. Are you kidding me? I asked them, so if I spill red wine on my glasses they won't stain? Because normally I would just pour white wine on them to do the same trick. Whatever, they weren't getting another three hundred out of me, so I gave them that.
I shelled out the four hundred dollars for the one pair, grateful that the lens were on sale 50% off. None of them went for giving me their employee discount on top of that, even though I had all three of them laughing hysterically during the entire two hours I was there. I shlepped out to my car to wait the hour, as one of my self imposed twelve steps of my shopping problem is Avoidance.
I went back around 8:15 to face the fourth malldrone, who fits the glasses and as I waited I played with all his implements on the counter. I waited another fifteen minutes while he finished up with the gentleman next to me. Now, they have you sign the Hippa paperwork when you first walk in, though I told them I had memorized the whole list with one glance. Its kind of ridiculous as you sit three feet away from everyone, so the paperwork pretty much goes out the window.
Mark really wanted to adjust my glasses but I bent my head forward and they didn't move. He asked me again if I needed them tightened, which I explained that normally I have my blue tooth in so I need the extra room. He was so insistent that I practically spun my head in circles ala Linda Blair before I got them to budge an inch off my face. Satisfied he took them back and proceeded to melt the sides in his little heater, which I didn't have the heart to tell him didn't make one difference. I put them back on, and wondered why my right eye was really having an issue. He gave his usual spiel, I explained my eye exam.
Now I don't know who is right or wrong, but he claimed he's never heard of anyone getting the eye refraction done when their eyes are dilated. I haven't taken the time to look it up online, but I'm going to guess that an actual eye doctor may know a shade bit more than the guy at the mall. Call me crazy, but if it was done wrong let me know.
I've spent the day wearing them, trying to adjust and I'm just not a glass kind of girl. I either want contacts or Lasik surgery at some point. They're ok, but when you're eyes are your best feature, they just destroy it. Screw seeing clearly, that's over rated. Sometimes you need to see the world a bit blurry to get through the day.
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