[I Was Naked]
When I Wrote ThisShe Asked For You
2007-07-21
I finally have a quiet moment to reflect on today's festivities. I think it was the biggest turnout at the Webb's in 27 years. What I wasn't expecting were the people asking for me.
First off, there were lots of people there, all familiar faces but honestly, I know I'm supposed to know all of them as they know all of me. I truly never recognize the impact I must make on people, because I'm always stunned when someone is wondering where I am.
The party started at 12:00 I took my time getting there, as I still had to shop for something to bring. Superfresh was the answer, so I was a little later leaving than I first planned. I wasn't but 5 minutes away from the neighborhood when my cell phone rang and Paul was wondering where I was, as he was holding a parking spot for me. On the lawn. Other people were offering me their driveways, but Paul was removing reflectors, so there I went as directed.
The house looked great, Carol would have been proud. Food was on every surface imaginable and I laughed to see the one punch bowl that is always marked "Non alcoholic" which is the one and only time it is full. Once it is empty, it's never been refilled, not even with the same punch. A tall blond was pointing the way to the guest book, and said, " Pam there you are, people have been asking for you."
"Really?" I thought to myself, ok, whatever.
Ginny was waiting for me and I gave her a hug and a kiss and signed the guest book. They had done a wonderful job of matting pictures in collage format of Carol over the years, and even managed to have her birth announcement from 1948 on the board. Carol was the pictorial custodian in the family, so I am hoping that it is passed down to Ginny.
I found Webbie and hugged him, he seemed ok,but tired. He told me later he was hoarse from talking to everyone, he took a short little rest about dinnertime. I found Ted and Art and someone told me that Carol's ashes were in a chair earlier and one guest was simply having a chat with her as if she were there. Alrighty.
I moved and bobbed my way through the place, stopping to take pictures and missing her presence. My heart skipped a beat when I thought I saw Nick, but it was another guy who looked similar to him. Nick would arrive an hour later, we caught each others eye, and I did hunt him down later to have that awkward moment. 20 years later, and still a topic of controversy. I don't know why it bugs me so, that he thinks I did something to him, when we were both manipulated by people jealous of our attraction to each other. I've let it go, but when I realize that the stilted conversation shouldn't even have to take place, or the Hey Pam, did you see your old boyfriend was here, even said jokingly, elicited my response..yes..he still hates me. I think Joe was a little taken aback, but hey, I never had my day in kangaroo court.
I spent more time there than I planned, but a call from David, confirmed he needed some time to himself. I decided to do one last stroll around, and was quite proud of myself for refusing to take one picture of Bam. He is a jackass for all intense purposes. I kind of got irritated by the party goers who wanted pics with him, as he usually declines. But at this house, where it all started, he conceded to have pictures taken. I just can't stand his attitude and every time I've seen him over the years, I just want to turn him over my knee and give him the spanking he should have had as a child. Little F*cker.
I found Webbie and gave him a hug goodbye, and told him he did Carol proud. We talked for a bit about her, the pictures he has, the memories, then he stopped me cold. "She asked for you" he said. "Where's Pam" she wanted to know as she was dying. For a moment I was stunned, and I told him that I had promised to come back and the day that I tried, I was told she had a bad night. I told him I had spoken to Ginny, and I didn't even mention that I called an hour and five minutes before she died. I was heading over that Friday after work, but Ginny didn't answer her cell. I gave him a hug and a kiss, and walked away lost in thought.
My eye was caught by another man, who I smiled and said hi too and turned but he grabbed my arm. "Hey Pam, its me, Bob." He had this "remember me" look in his face. Oh I remember. I smiled, he still looked good, same smile same light in his eyes. Hmm, did I really cull all of these past lovers from this lot of friends? We spoke for a while, until his wife wanted to know who he was speaking with and he introduced me. We didn't mention how we knew each other, just through rugby. He didn't realize I graduated with his brother. He's doing well, back in West Chester, I knew he had disappeared for a while. 20 years ago, we had a thing and I told him I wouldn't call him after. I never did. I think he was expecting me too, but he didn't know me too well. I do remember a good toss in the hay after calling some sexlines for fun. Honestly, who'd have thought that 20 years later he would remember me at a party? I made small talk, and got out of there and said more goodbyes.
It was only driving home that I let the initial guilt hit me, that I wasn't there for someone when they needed me. Would I have been let in? Jealousy is a sick disease as Michael always says. It keeps going through my mind, that I let her down, and who wanted to make sure I wasn't there. I didn't like what my mind was concluding.
"She asked for you Pam." Five words that keep reeling in my mind. I should have gone back, even if I just sat on the back deck. Would that have given her comfort? When I read Ginny's blogs again, she was trying to figure our what her mother was holding on for. They determined it was her wedding ring on her finger, but in my heart I know she wanted me there as well and she had to give up.
You truly can never know what impact your friendship means to a person, and my guilt will live in a place in my heart. They used the Ralph Waldo Emerson writings on the back of her memorial cards. So fitting.
In memory of Carol O Webb. b. May 4, 1948 d. July 13, 2007
"Success"
To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends: to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others: to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
That you did Carol, that you did.
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